Parenting and Gender

 Boys vs Girls

Does gender matter in parenting? Do we parent boys and girls differently?

    We all know that boys and girls are different, but how far does that difference go? Does it extend into parenting? Do we need to parent boys differently than girls and vice versa? The answer to this can be complicated. One might say yes, and one might say no. I say in some ways yes, and in others no. One of the examples that we had from our class of parents parenting boys and girls differently is below...

One of the BYU-I professors shared the following story about parenting and gender. She said, “I had a neighbor some years ago from another country. Although we were different in many ways, we developed a deep friendship and enjoyed watching our children of similar ages play and grow together. During long summer days of sitting together and watching our children, we visited with each other about all sorts of things.

One day, however, she said something that surprised me. She stated that she had many different rules for her daughter than for her sons. Believing in embracing gender roles, I shared with her that although men and women should mutually help each other, recognizing differences among the sexes is essential. But I found that she meant something entirely different.

Her sons did not need to help with household chores, but her daughter was expected to. Her daughter was not to date until she was out of high school, and then, only date men whom the family approved of. Her sons were free to sow their wild oats when and where they pleased. Her daughter was expected to marry and bear children, all while putting off any personal pursuits of education or work that she may have had. Her sons were expected to attend college and pursue a lucrative career before they married, as to show stability and provide appropriately for a future family.”

    I was surprisingly shocked when I read this example. I guess I had never really thought about parents parenting girls and boys differently in that way before. In The Family Proclamation we learn about the roles of husband and wives...

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. 

    This does not mean that mothers only nurture their children, or take care of the house, or make the meals, or clean. And it does not mean that the husband only provides for the family by working. The last line of this say that they are obligated to help one another. In so doing, they would both have to know how to do the things that the other person does. 

    In order for them to know how to do what the other person does, they need to be taught. And what about those that don't get married? Or what about those things until they do get married? Because of these reasons, both girls and boys need to be taught those important things that are neither just for boys or just for girls. Both need to be loved, nurtured, cared for, and taught how to take care of themselves. They need to be taught how to do housework, how to cook, how to clean, how to repair a car, how to take care of a yard, how to change a flat tire, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. Yes, we need to parent each child differently, but that has more to do with temperament, personality, age, maturity, etc., than it had to do with gender. 

    We learn from Dr. Haim G. Ginott...

    One factor parents sometimes consider in deciding to treat siblings differently is gender, but it's not a good idea to treat boys and girls differently just because of their sex. If your son and daughter have different interests and talents, this may be a fine basis for treating them differently. But don't assume that because one child is male and the other female, they need different types of parenting. The basic principles of good parenting apply equally to boys and girls. Treat your child as an individual, not as a member of the male or female sex. Thisis true whether you have one child or several. Your childwill encounter more than enough sex-stereotyping in life as it is. There's no need for you to add to it.

    I know that some cultures are different and they do raise boys and girls differently. However, we have learned that that is not a great way of parenting. If we want our children to be well rounded, self sufficient, and contribute to society, we should try not to teach them differently just because of gender.

Resources: 

Ginott, D. H. G., Ginott, D. A., Goddard, D. H. W. (2003). Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication. United Kingdom: Harmony/Rodale.

Steinberg, L. (2004). The 10 basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster.

The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November). Ensign, 25(10), p. 102.