For my BYUI Parenting class, we get to create a blog for our final project. This is that blog. On this blog I am just going to share three things that we learned that stuff out to me. I will take these things and try and teach them to you.
EMOTIONAL COACHING
What is it? And why is it important?
Emotional coaching is when we listen to the child, understand what they are feeling, try to put those feelings into words,help them understand why they are feeling it with validation, and then treat them with respect. This was an aspect that was taught by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman. Here is a video of them explaining what emotional coaching is...
The way that we answer children has a big impact on them. Below is an example of a conversation between a mother and her daughter. Example #1 is the more common approach that my occur between daughter and mother. Example #2 is the better way to answer our children and handle the situation...
EXAMPLE 1:
Parent: “Molly, what is wrong with you? Stop your crying. You have no reason to cry.” Molly: “I am SO, SO, SO MAD AT YOU!” Parent: “You are mad at me? I haven’t done anything wrong. And you are not allowed to talk to me like that. Apologize to me.” Molly:*confused, says nothing.* Parent: “Please think the next time you decide to talk to me like that.”
EXAMPLE 2:
Parent: "Molly, I can see that you are very angry and frustrated. Is there anything else that you are feeling?" Molly: "I am SO SO SO MAD AT YOU!" Parent: "You are mad at me, VERY mad at me. Are you also feeling disappointed because I won't let you have a playdate right now?" Molly: "YES! I want to have a playdate right NOW." Parent: "You seem sad." (Crawling into parent’s lap, Molly whimpers a little and rests her head on parent's shoulder.)
It is very easy to reply to our children in the wrong way. Especially when we are in the heat of the moment. When we are busy or stressed or have a lot going on. It is much more difficult to stop and listen to our children, make them feel heard and understood, and to console them and really try to understand them. This is something, however, what if we are looking for the respect we feel we deserve, we will need to give our children respect and do those things that can be difficult for us. Once we start to listen to them and take the time to make them feel heard and understood, then it will get easier, the more we do it.
Sometimes it is a struggle for children to say correctly, what they are feeling. Or for them to understand why they are feeling the way that they are. When we stop and listen to them, repeat back to them what they are feeling, and help them to understand why they are feeling that, it can help immensely. The more this happens, the more they can learn to understand what they are feeling and why. And this will also spill over into helping them understand what those around them are feeling and help them to try to understand why they are feeling this way.
Growing up, I had great parents. Emotional coaching however, is something that they could have learned. They didn't really know how to make us feel heard or understood. I feel that if they had used this technique, then it would be a lot easier for me to use it with my kids. But because this is new to me, it does not come very easy. One thing to look out for is sounding too scripted. At first, this will be pretty difficult. The longer that you practice using emotional coaching, the more comfortable you will be with using it and with knowing what to say. This will help it feel more natural and your kids will know what is coming and it will feel more natural for them also. All we can do is put in our best effort. Just remember, those little kids are just like you. They want to be heard and understood. When we try to do this, we will actually be able to better understand them and our relationship will actually grow because of it. Show them respect, listen to them, help them to understand, and you will get that respect back in return.
There are many resources out there to learn more about this. Studying Dr. Gottman and Dr. Gottmans teachings will help a lot. Below are a couple resources to learn more about emotional coaching...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmsDTT3xgjo&t=2s
https://www.gottman.com
Resources:Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, N.Y., Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
True Grit or Not True Grit? How to raise a growth-minded child Although, that is the question, sometimes it is hard to answer. Especially if we don't understand what true grit is. Or when we have no idea what a growth mindset is. According to a panel of professors grit is when we have self-control and the ability to regulate emotions and thoughts. Children with a growth mindset have more grit. Some traits that they talked about that people that have grit have are the power of persistence, deliberate practice, effort, curiosity, self control and a growth mindset. Grit is important for our children to have so that they don't give up easily on things that push them or are hard. When children have grit, they can keep pushing through those things that challenge them and they can make themselves keep going and learn from those things that are hard and learn that they can do hard things. This will lead to perseverance, which will lead to having a growth minds...
Boys vs Girls Does gender matter in parenting? Do we parent boys and girls differently? We all know that boys and girls are different, but how far does that difference go? Does it extend into parenting? Do we need to parent boys differently than girls and vice versa? The answer to this can be complicated. One might say yes, and one might say no. I say in some ways yes, and in others no. One of the examples that we had from our class of parents parenting boys and girls differently is below... One of the BYU-I professors shared the following story about parenting and gender. She said, “I had a neighbor some years ago from another country. Although we were different in many ways, we developed a deep friendship and enjoyed watching our children of similar ages play and grow together. During long summer days of sitting together and watching our children, we visited with each other about all sorts of things. One day, however, she said something that surprised me. She state...
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